Shopping on the Subway
So, I have come up with a checklist that will find you an ideal mate while you commute to and from the city. This happened after I realized that multitasking was huge for NYC commuters, but as someone who isn’t a tablet whore, I had to put a North Carolinian spin on it. It goes like this:
Step One: Pop in your iPod and put on your sunglasses. Stand at the back of a train looking forward for best results.
Step Two: Start weeding out your potentials (about 30 per cart). Throw out any guy who doesn’t give up his seat for a pregnant woman.
Step Three: Throw out any guy who thinks it’s cool to share his music with the rest of the train, or use this time to do his cardio training between the seats.
Step Four: Throw out any guy who is flexing his muscles even when the train is stationary.
Step Five: Throw out any guy who carries a compact mirror, even if he is dressed in Armani and wearing an expensive Rolex.
Step Six: Throw out any guy who is playing a Gameboy and has the sound effects turned all the way up. Now I know why my dad wanted to kill me on long road trips.
Step Seven: Always throw out any guy with a blue tooth. Really, buddy, we are in the subway. You aren’t fooling anyone when you are talking to yourself.
Step Eight: Listen to the woman chuckling next to you as she reads what you write in your notebook.
Step Nine: Throw out guys who obviously spend more time shaping their beard than dressing themselves. You will need to use the bathroom too in the morning.
Step Ten: Throw out any guy dressed better then you. He’s probably headed to Christopher Street.
Step Eleven: Throw out the guy using the reflection in the window as a stealthy way to check you out.
Oh, well, the one potential just got off. Time to start again.
Step One: Throw out any female who puts on her makeup on the train. She obviously doesn’t have good time management skills.
Step Two: Throw out any female who thinks its alright to show you her lingerie or nipples through her sheer clothes.
Step Three: Throw out any female who allows her daughter to practice being a stripper on the poles while taking her to school.
Step Four: Throw out any female who obviously spends more money on her appearance than on her health. She’s a gold digger if overpriced makeup takes priority over DayQuil.
Step Five: Throw out any female who holds onto the handrails with a tissue. Her IQ is obviously not high enough to know that germs can and will climb over, under, and on top of that “barrier.”
Step Six: Throw out any female who thinks going over the Brooklyn Bridge is the time to call up her roommate and complain about how there was no cream cheese left in the refrigerator this morning for the whole cart to hear.
Step Seven: Throw out any female who has permanent Myspace duck lips. No need to say more since it’s 2012.
Step Eight: Throw out any female who is still drunk from the night before… on a Monday.
Well, that takes out 99.9% of New York women. I guess you are just screwed. Have a great day!